Regret

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."-Edwin Hubbell Chapel

I don't think I believe that anymore.  At least not fully.  Suffering seems to just make people rash.  I look back at childhood and I'm reminded of when we used to go bowling as kids.  I'm awful at bowling.  Bumpers.  Bumpers to block the gutters so no matter what your aim was true.  That's what childhood was.

Everyone I know did their damnedest to break free of those confines in their own ways.  Some of us didn't get far.  Others did.

The other thing I remember about childhood was all the possibilities.  We could be anything, and for many of us, in the worlds we created in our heads, and acted out in our yards, we did become whatever we wanted.  Aging robbed us of that.  Possibility gives way towards looming responsibility.   The old infinite of wonder is replaced by the new ineffable infinite of the larger world.  The universe is vast beyond comprehension.  Full of stars, galaxies, and other wonders.  So many and ever increasing.  It defies belief.  I once felt crushed by it.  Now I take comfort in it.  You can't help but be humbled by viewing the vastness of it all, and you can't help amazed that there stands something beyond your comprehension.

But you have to look back.  There is too much to become lost in, and reality is an uncaring mistress who has no fucks to give.  Where you are, what doors you've taken, what doors have closed, all of which helps you pick what doors to follow.  And all of them should be accepted for what they were.  Ignoring the past, living without regret, belittles what we have done to become who we are.  Memory is a part of us, it binds us to our future and lays the foundation on which people of character are built.

Your compass is your past.  Look back and recall your suffering and draw strength from the fact that you are still here.  Burn bright and long like the stars.  Never forget as you stride forward.  Give the long strange road meaning and a say in what you shall become.

That's all for now.  Too much bouncing in my head right now.

Just a little step

Much ado is made about being you.  Countless bytes of data are used to create little pictures, thrown up on some social media site. The text is often different.  The message is always the same.  It is “I am what I am, and if you have a problem with it you can go and fuck yourself, because I’m going to be me.”.  

I am what I am.  What a strange sentiment.  It seems odd that we would have to state something which is a tautology.  Yet we all do it.  From the aforementioned pictures to the person who mutters, “Sure I’m an asshole and I’m proud of it.”. Everywhere you find people who take pride in scars, forsake regret, and celebrate individuality.  

On the whole I wouldn’t find this to be a bad thing.  Except we seem to forget that in being you, one also affects everyone else around them.  No choice is made in a vacuum and everything affects everyone else.

This brings me to my purpose.  I need to write, not only for catharsis, but for professional development.  While fun, my past endeavors have proven to absorb too much energy for no pay off.  So instead I’ll turn towards sharing my observations of my world.

Alright I lied, that wasn’t my purpose.  Or least it didn’t quite bring us all the way to the purpose.  It was really more of a disjointed introduction.  And it also serves to prove the not so subtle (Or if you happen to be more than a little daft, very subtle.) point in using the phrase “observations of my world”.   I cannot observe someone else’s world.  If I do, then it is through the lens of my observation of them, and therefore still my world. All of this leads me to my second point.  I cannot just observe my world, I have to interact with it too, if for no other reason than it would be a very boring world otherwise. 

Perspective is everything.  I’m fond of that phrase.  It forgives a multitude of assumptions, and opens doors to better understanding the people around me.  Keeping this phrase in mind lets me look at circumstances with a greater degree of empathy than I might otherwise find normally.  Some Christians I know are fond of the phrase “Nobody is perfect.” where they generally mean the same thing except they muddy the waters of understanding by pretending that the concept of perfection is objective rather than subjective.

Perspective is a safety device.  People who argue that words don’t hurt are usually either, a) lying, b) morons, or c) horribly misguided.  Eleanor Roosevelt’s oft repeated quote, “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” is an excellent example of why this is true.  The point is that you cannot be brought down unless you give the words of a person power over you.  On the surface it means do not give your consent.  But I think we mistake giving consent to allow ourselves to be wounded with not striking back.  These are not words of pride.  They are words of caution.  Maintain perspective, might be the best general advice you can give.  Look at how someone else might feel when you say something.  The truth is that these photos and ideas I discussed earlier are matters of pride.  They are about standing up and defiantly daring others to judge you so you can make them pay for their presumption.  Perhaps if we all tried to keep one another in a bit of perspective, if we viewed them as we do ourselves, and if we understood that our actions affect those around us we might not have to stand so ready to say, “I am what I am”.  Because really it just makes you sound like an idiot.

And that is going to be the point of this.  Short musings from the mind of a watcher.  A watcher all too involved to be at all detached.  Sometimes snarky, sometimes helpful, but always genuine.